Casserole Diplomacy and Other Stories Read online

  Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you and your customers!

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  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Dear Mr. Nogren:

  We are concerned with your latest report which indicates you have introduced new menu items to the morning daypart menu, incorporating local foodstuffs. You should be well aware of HappyFood Inc.’s policy on new menu items: it is necessary first to submit Form XVI (Request For New Food Item Approval), listing the proposed item’s name, portion, yield, unit servings, advance instructions, ingredients, procedure, and storage information, so that the Research & Development Division can examine and test it. While it is often profitable to incorporate local foods into your menu, HappyFood Inc. uses a standardized recipe system for a good reason. Travellers from different planets are always assured of receiving a familiar meal at a HappyFood Franchise, with no need to risk the possible hazards and unpleasantries of local foods which may be somewhat exotic to the traveller. Hence, please submit any menu items like this “Bacon and Eggs” you suggest to head office for verification first in the future.

  In addition, we see that you are offering the Happy Chicken (Simulated) with Reconstituted Potatoes and Happy Salad (Simulated) as a combination dish; all very good, but you offer it at a discount of over 12%! The Happy Chicken food item is not currently listed on your afternoon daypart menu; thus, no audit trail exists for it, and the customer perceives value because there are no other menu combinations to compare it with. Therefore, there is no reason to discount. You are only training the customer to “buy cheap.” To repeat, there is no value in deep discounting.

  We feel certain you will correct these small problems and go on to make HappyFood Franchise #232575 a profitable link in the chain of HappyFood Franchises stretching across the galaxy. In fact, we insist you implement the aforementioned measures immediately.

  Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!

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  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Dear Mr. Nogren:

  We here at the Internal Monitoring Branch of HappyFood Inc. are sorry to say that the reports sent to us by head office concerning your HappyFood Franchise on Ugrath 3 are quite disappointing. As you are aware, you were chosen for this prestigious post on the basis of your past performance with the HappyFood chain of food processing establishments; however, the most recent information received from your Franchise is forcing us to consider disciplinary action.

  You have received repeated warnings to desist in various non-standard procedures: excessive discounting, unauthorized food item introductions, and unnecessary food composition documentation. Despite your assurances of compliance, all our data indicate you are continuing in these non-standard practices. In addition we have reason to believe the suggestive merchandising training of your Food Processing Clerks has been substandard. But even more disturbing than these problems is the recent rumour of “redecorations” supposedly undertaken in your HappyFood Franchise. We must order you, in no uncertain terms, to stop any such modifications and return the Franchise to its regulated appearance.

  HappyFood Franchises on the various colonized planets are to remain as similar as possible in all regards; this is merely an extension of the policy of standardized recipes. A HappyFood customer should be able to enter an establishment light-years away from his or her home and feel comfortable, as if he or she is returning to a familiar place, not entering some bizarre, foreign, possibly dangerous eatery; to this end the Food Processing Clerk clones have standardized facial features as well. The lighting and furnishings of the standard HappyFood Franchise have been carefully researched and designed for optimum effect, producing an impression of comfort from a distance, which gradually fades upon continued exposure or actual contact with the flexiplastic chairs. In this fashion, both the demands of “initial appeal” and “quick turnaround” are satisfied, as customers are encouraged to enter the establishment but discouraged in the act of loitering.

  Cease with these “ambient lighting” and “padded seat” experiments; remove any tables and furnishings of plant fibre and replace them with the standard flexiplastic. If you have stopped broadcasting the HappyTunes music product over your interior speakers, resume immediately. As with the other components of the HappyFood Franchise, HappyTunes are integral to maintaining a standardized and profitable environment.

  We hope that these disciplinary problems can be quickly forgotten, and that your HappyFood Franchise will go on to be satisfactory in all regards. Still, we must emphasize that noncompliance will result in the termination of your position as Manager of HappyFood Franchise #2232575.

  Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you and your customers!

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  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Dear Mr. Nogren:

  Your behaviour has exceeded all the prescribed bounds of HappyFood Inc. professionalism. As of this date, you are relieved of your post as Manager of HappyFood Franchise #2232575. Close the establishment immediately and return to head office for disciplinary action. Another Manager will be sent to Ugrath 3 shortly to try to undo the damage you’ve caused.

  It is a blemish on HappyFood Inc.’s reputation that you have been allowed to continue in your course for as long as you have. Recently we discovered that many of your food invoices have been falsified, and that you have discontinued the use of many standard food items, particularly the Happy Fish product and those consisting of or using additives of Unigel, in favour of food items harvested and eaten locally. This alone would be bad enough to warrant your removal, but various other indiscretions have been uncovered. Hidden monitors in the Franchise have indicated that many customers linger in your establishment for up to three hours, a completely unacceptable figure; you have allowed your Food Processing Clerks an unheard-of degree of autonomy, to the point that few, if any, still wear their regulation flexi-uniforms; some, apparently, have been allowed to cultivate cranial hair growth of nonstandard appearance. That your profit analyses still show favourably has yet to be explained—the suspicion is that these too have been falsified.

  Perhaps you are aware of how disruptive your activities are, and how devastating to HappyFoods Inc. it would be if such practices became standard: soon each Franchise would be different, and local entrepreneurs would begin to successfully compete with us, drastically slashing profits.

  In light of all this, your farwave transmitter has been disabled by a remote signal, a contingency built into the equipment for just such rare occasions as this. Do not bother trying to call for friends or colleagues to take you off-planet. Your automated shuttle will not respond to your course orders, but will take you directly to head office for your disciplinary treatment.

  There will be no further warnings. Return immediately on pain of extreme disciplinary action.

  EndTrans

  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Nogren:

  You were warned.

  A division of Internal Monitoring Armed Response trouble-shooters are on their way to Ugrath 3 as you receive this. They have been told to expect a traitor to HappyFood Inc. and all that HappyFood stands for, and will react accordingly. I’m sure you’re familiar with the stories told of the Armed Response teams. Perhaps you thought these teams were fictional. They are not.

  After you have been removed, the HappyFood Franchise on Ugrath 3 will be shut down for several years to allow the damage you’ve done to repair itself. We only hope you found your pathetic little rebellion to be worth all this.

  Peaceful surrender to the Armed Response team may possibly result in your survival, in which case extremely severe disciplinary treatments will be administere
d on your return to head office. Frankly, we here at head office are hoping you do not give up quietly; all of us will enjoy watching the combat vid records afterwards.

  Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you . . .

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  TRANS frm HappyFood Franchise #2232575/ Commander Divot Armed Response Trouble-shooters Unit

  RECEV stn HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED / Administration Division

  Commander Divot reporting:

  As ordered, I brought Unit 5B down on Ugrath 3, with full armament distributed to trouble-shooter personnel. We approached HappyFood Franchise #2232575 with caution, as per your instructions. However, upon entering the establishment, we were unable to locate any activity of the treasonous nature you specify in your last message. In fact, HappyFood Franchise #2232575 is undoubtedly the finest Franchise either myself or my men have had the pleasure to dine in.

  Obviously, some sort of bureaucratic or computer error is involved here. Possibly it involves the farwave transmitter of the Franchise manager, one Mr. Nogren; the device has malfunctioned in some way. Perhaps he was merely unable to get his reports through to head office due to this mechanical problem. The techs on my team were able to fix the transmitter, however, so, you should be getting a report from him any time now.

  The quality of the Franchise’s service and food here is amazing! Last night we dined on a seven-course meal, featuring native Ugrathian Kik-fish (similar though superior to Happy Lobster), and various wonderful vegetable dishes that showcased the fine berries and fruits of Ugrath 3. Mr. Nogren informs me that the principles behind his renovation of the Franchise here are applicable in any Franchise in the galaxy, and we assisted him in sending full documentation and video reports of his establishment to the galactic net, where it can be accessed by Franchise owners everywhere. Of course, this was only a short time ago, but already the response from other Franchises has been phenomenal!

  My team has persuaded me that it would be best to remain here on Ugrath 3 until the mistake in our original mission orders has been clarified. Hopefully you will be able to locate the error and determine the actual location of this treasonous Franchise you warned us about so thoroughly. In the meantime, I suspect my men are anxious to sample more of the Franchise #2232575’s remarkable cuisine.

  Indeed, I admit I too am tempted by Mr. Nogren’s description of tonight’s meal: Raga-fish stew with boiled jubes (much like Happy Leeks, though I feel that jubes have a more piquant, enticing flavour) and side dishes of various sweetmeats. I am certain that once word of Mr. Nogren’s innovations spreads, we will be able to enjoy meals of this quality on every planet in the galaxy. Surely a promotion is in order for Mr. Nogren!

  We await your response eagerly.

  Healthy, hearty, and happy eating to you!

  EndTrans

  EndReport

  Originally published in Spring 1994 Vol 6 No 1 #16

  Jason Kapalka was born and raised in Edmonton, Alberta. He is the cofounder of PopCap Games, the video game developer responsible for Bejeweled, Plants vs Zombies, Peggle and other popular titles.

  Star-seeing Night

  Alice Major

  If the stars came out only once in a thousand years

  what a wondrous sight we could think them.

  — Emerson

  Star-seeing night. This may be a star-seeing night.

  Radios ricochet, repeat from balconies.

  Electrostatic tingle of tongues.

  Faces turn to the closed clouds, the sun-occluders,

  the world-sheath warm from the lungs of a weary planet

  that struggles to secure its shaken balance

  through cloud, now a constant. Moisture claimed by sky

  and held hostage. Whole cities

  sunk in deepening ocean. Sun no more

  than a pale suspect.

  Sometimes a slow swirl

  opens in the thick air, a heavy-lidded eye.

  Once the year before in Buenos Aires. Once

  a decade back, over the drowned streets of London.

  Whole generations have emerged and died

  with no glimpse of galaxies.

  But now the eye may open. Here.

  People remind each other of the ritual,

  practiced every year— preparing for stars,

  dowsing lights to dim a vast

  metropolis. Its meaning almost lost,

  but now renewed and relevant.

  Stars. We may see the stars tonight.

  Sky sucks daylight down its grey throat.

  Dusk creeps in the alleys. Radios confirm the clouds

  will part by midnight. People form processions,

  reverent as novices, make their way to rooftops,

  whisper together as the wind tugs vestments.

  Fall silent as the sirens start to wail

  demanding darkness. The city dims.

  A rising wind tears rifts in ragged clouds.

  A still, still-small eye opens. First star.

  Nikki

  Nikki, six years old, bundled

  in her brother’s coat, blinks away

  sleep's slow sedative.

  Will we see the moon? she asks

  Maybe, if the clouds break soon enough

  they tell her. Aren’t you a lucky girl

  to see the stars?

  But moon and stars to her are mere

  abstractions. She knows about them

  as she knows elephants and sailing ships,

  has seen stars in photographs taken

  high above the clouds’ narcotic quilt

  —jewels thrown savagely on black cloth

  by some magnificent thief.

  Still, she expects the stars will wear

  five neat points, imagines the moon

  with a fat nose, like the symbols

  used even to this day on nursery walls.

  Vega

  She knows the stars. Their patterned stories

  trace her longings on the silent air

  behind her eyelids. She craves their glories—

  bound Andromeda. The great square

  of Pegasus. (Wingbeats. Rescue.) The chair

  of Cassiopeia. Their names on her tongue

  are crystal—light made sound, a thoroughfare

  of bells. Arcturus. Aldebaran.

  And Vega of the Lyre—herself as heroine.

  “Vega knows the stars.” Her husband claims

  a share in her excitement, vicarious

  and teasing. “No, don't say that.” Pained

  by his intrusion, she blushes, shrugs

  away his arm. He is no Perseus,

  although she loves him. Her longings are

  mute but stubborn, gleaming, nebulous.

  A perfect marriage made of stars

  beckons to her, sidereal, singular.

  Diana

  “Here, Mrs. D. I’ll turn the bed.

  They say you’ll see the moon

  from this direction.” Poor old

  thing. She’s just not

  coming back from that last

  treatment. It’s gone too far.

  pain

  dull apron

  on abdomen

  pain

  remembered pain

  like thick weight

  of monthly blood

  blood waiting

  to be born

  remember moon

  seen when?

  sixty years. We

  lived somewhere

  else else

  where?

  half full moon

  D-shape

  I remember

  pregnant

  wait I was

  pregnant. Elsie?

  moon a big belly too

  pressed against

  sky.

  Elsie born

  that night

  remember

  pain

  The cataract clears. The iris opens.

  A city stares into the black sky bowl.

 
One point on the western rim of cloud

  turns to supple silver fabric—peau-de-soie

  then lace, then filaments that trail long fingers

  of desire after the escaping moon.

  Diana

  Look Mrs. D . . . A full moon.

  I doubt she even hears us. Such

  a pity—it’s just too late

  for her to take this in. Hope

  I don’t go like that.

  aching

  moon arc complete

  as a crone’s

  wheel complete

  as a life flow

  of silver flower

  light

  bud, bloom

  splendid fruit

  birth only

  a beginning else

  where

  now the ache

  of utter

  contrast silver

  against dark

  arc spun end

  to end

  end over

  end splendour

  all the way

  round.

  Vega

  Vega knew the stars—her secret dower

  of pattern. But not these stars, incessant

  rain of light, a pathless, brilliant flour

  sifted on the night. Pattern irrelevant,

  garbled, a wilderness of radiant

  white noise.

  “So, where’s your star?” Husband tries

  to take her arm. “Where’s Vega?” Exuberant

  he gazes up at star drifts. Tears fill her eyes.

  “I told you—I don't know.” Her face shuts out the skies.

  Nikki

  Nikki, wake up.

  See the stars.