Casserole Diplomacy and Other Stories Read online

  Casserole Diplomacy and Other Stories:

  An On Spec Retrospective Anthology

  As Selected by:

  Diane L. Walton

  Barry Hammond

  Ann Marston

  Barb Galler-Smith

  Jena Snyder

  Susan MacGregor

  Robin S. Carson

  Published by Tyche Books Ltd.

  www.TycheBooks.com

  Copyright © 2014 Copper Pig Writers’ Society

  First Tyche Books Ltd Edition 2014

  Print ISBN: 978-1-928025-05-4

  Ebook ISBN: 978-1-928025-06-1

  Cover Art by Herman Lau

  Cover Layout by Lucia Starkey

  Interior Layout by Bart R. Leib

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage & retrieval system, without written permission from the copyright holder, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

  The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third party websites or their content.

  This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations and events portrayed in this story are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Any resemblance to persons living or dead would be really cool, but is purely coincidental.

  The following people deserve our sincere thanks for years of service (listed in alphabetical order):

  The On Spec Editorial Collective, past and present:

  Robin S. Carson

  Barb Galler-Smith

  Catherine Girczyc

  Barry Hammond

  Susan MacGregor

  Ann Marston

  Steve Mohn

  Derryl Murphy

  Marianne O. Nielsen (past General Editor)

  Holly Phillips

  Robert Runté

  Hazel Sangster (past Managing Editor)

  Phyllis Schuell

  Jena Snyder (past General Editor and Production Editor)

  Diane L. Walton (current Managing Editor)

  Peter Watts

  Guest Editors:

  Hazel Sangster — Theme: Youth Writing and Art -Vol. 2, No. 3 (#5) Winter 1990

  Spider Robinson — Theme: Humour — Vol. 3, No. 3 (#8) Winter 1991

  Lorna Toolis and Michael Skeet — Vol. 4, No. 2 (#10) Fall 1992

  David Nickle and Karl Schroeder — Vol. 5, No. 3 (#14) Fall 1993

  Leslie Gadallah — Theme: Hard Science Fiction — Vol. 6, No. 1 (#16) Spring 1994

  Barry Hammond — Theme: Horror & Dark Fantasy — Vol. 7, No. 1 (#20) Spring 1995

  Barry Hammond — Theme: Cross-Genre — Vol. 8 No. 1 (#24) Spring 1996

  Robert J. Sawyer — On Writing column

  Robert Runté and Peter Watts — Theme: Canadian Geographic — Vol. 9 No. 1 (#28) Spring 1997

  Gerald L. Truscott — Theme: Music — Vol. 10 No. 1 (#32) Spring 1998

  Lyle Weis — Theme: Earth, Air, Wind & Fire — Vol. 11 No. 1 (#36) Spring 1999

  Marianne O. Nielsen — Theme: Future Crime — Vol. 12 No. 1 (#40) Spring 2000

  Editorial Advisory Board:

  Douglas Barbour

  J. Brian Clarke

  Candas Jane Dorsey

  Leslie Gadallah

  Pauline Gedge

  Monica Hughes

  Alice Major

  Robert Runté

  Karl Schroeder

  Phyllis Schuell

  Brad Thompson

  Gerry Truscott

  Lyle Weis

  Art Directors:

  James Beveridge

  Lynne Taylor Fahnestalk

  Tim Hammell

  Derryl Murphy

  Jane Starr

  Diane L. Walton

  Production Editors:

  Lynette Bondarchuk

  Cat McDonald

  Jena Snyder

  Support Staff, Summer Students, Web Gurus,

  Proofreaders and Volunteers (in alphabetical order):

  Stacey-Lynn Antonation

  Colin Bamsey

  Matt Bamsey

  Sara Bamsey

  Alan Barclay

  Lynette Bondarchuk

  Gareth Boyce

  Beverly Byron

  Scott Cairns

  Isaac Calon

  Katerina Carastathis

  Mark Chan

  Elaine Chen

  Karen Desgagné

  Steve Fahnestalk

  Karen Grant

  PJ Groenveldt

  Chris Hammond-Thrasher

  Josie Hammond-Thrasher

  Cath Jackel

  Chris Jackel

  Brent Jans

  Janice Jessop

  Jen Laface

  Cara Koropchuk

  Roberta Laurie

  Danica LeBlanc

  Rick LeBlanc

  Colin Lynch

  Kathy MacRae

  Ashlin McCartney

  Andrea Merriman

  Shellon Miller

  Tobey Morris

  Dave Panchyk

  Laurie Penner

  Heather Price-Ferguson

  Paul Rodgers

  Brandon Schatz

  Larry Scott

  Kelly Shepherd

  Jane Spalding

  Claire Stirling

  Melody Szabo

  Donna Weis

  Michelle Wilson

  Cheerleaders (just because):

  Jane Bisbee

  Michael Penny

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Foreword by Marianne O. Nielsen

  Foreword by Diane L. Walton

  Happy Eating on Ugrath 3 by Jason Kapalka

  Star-seeing Night by Alice Major

  The Reality War by Robert Boyczuk

  Casserole Diplomacy by Fiona Heath

  Jubilee by Steven Mills

  No Such Thing as an Ex-Con by Holly Phillips

  Closing Time by Matthew Johnson

  Foster Child by Catherine MacLeod

  More Than Salt by E.L. Chen

  Where Magic Lives by S.A. Bolich

  The Black Man by A.M. Arruin

  Pizza Night by Laurie Channer

  Boys’ Night Out by Rob Hunter

  Mourning Sickness by Robert Weston

  Sticky Wonder Tales by Hugh Spencer

  Emily’s Shadow by Al Onia

  The Resident Guest by Sandra Glaze

  Come From Aways by Tony Pi

  Still by Greg Wilson

  The Asheville Road by Corey Brown

  Buddhist Jet Lag by Christian McPherson

  A Taste of Time by Scott Overton

  Penultimate by F.J. Bergmann

  Pilgrim at the Edge of the World by Sarah Frost

  Afterword by Diane L. Walton

  Foreword

  Marianne O. Nielsen

  First General Editor of On Spec (1989-1992)

  In 1988 and for many years before that, the members of the Edmonton-based Copper Pig Writers’ Society bemoaned the lack of English Canadian speculative fiction magazines—not only as venues for their wonderful stories but as places to find English Canadian writers and writing. The French Canadian magazines had created their own niche and were doing well. We, on the other hand, looking for English markets, were tired of rejection letters from American magazines that stated “too weird,” “too off the wall,” and most depressing, “too depressing.”

  One day, we were sitting in my living room lamenting the usual rejection letters, when we looked around the circle and realized we had all the talent we needed to es
tablish our own magazine—writing and editing skills, organizational skills, business smarts, contacts in writers’ organizations, networks of editors and writers, government agency contacts, typesetting and layout skills, and a bunch more. I left the room to go to the bathroom and came back to find myself elected “General Editor and Sharkbait.”

  The first years were interesting—and not necessarily in a good way. Finding funding was tricky, our pockets got emptied regularly until eventually the Alberta and then Canadian governments gave us enough to cover materials. We were all volunteers though, but saw giving our time to be a worthy endeavour—not only were we working to introduce Canada and hopefully, some of the rest of the world to the amazing talent among Canadian spec fic writers, we were working with new writers, often giving them the chance to redraft a story if we saw potential in it. The first Cory Doctorow book I saw on the stands in the US made me glow with pride because I knew On Spec had published his first story.

  Since we knew some amazing spec fic artists, we decided we had to publish artwork to complement the stories. THAT upped the cost, but it was worth it to see these talented people move on to book covers and WorldCon art shows, and even working for big name special effects companies.

  In 1992 I had to resign from On Spec. I decided to go back to university and get a Ph.D. and found out the hard way that when you start footnoting your short stories, it’s time to stop writing fiction. Many academic articles and books later, I still regret that decision, but I am thrilled every time my copy of On Spec arrives in the mail, full of new writers and new artists to enjoy. And the stories are still delightfully weird and off the wall, but not as depressing any more, it seems.

  I hope you enjoy this collection of stories from the past 25 years of On Spec as much as the editors did when they got to read them for the first time. Every brown manila envelope was full of possibilities…and here are some of the best that flew, crept and bounded out of those envelopes.

  Foreword

  Diane L. Walton

  Current Managing Editor

  We were pretty naive when we decided to start On Spec, weren’t we? But back then, there didn’t seem to be any impediments we couldn’t deal with, and the potential rewards of fame and fortune and glamour would be . . .

  [REWIND]

  On Spec is and has always been a labour of love for everyone closely involved. Nobody got rich; nobody got famous, other than perhaps being biggish frogs in a small lily pond, and as for glamour—hardly! It’s a lot of work to make this little journal happen four times a year. But we still love hearing from readers and writers and artists, making new friends and reuniting with old ones. We love the thrill of finding a story in the slush that has the spark of creativity to make an editor sit up and take notice. We love the moment when we tell a writer we want to buy their work, especially if it is their first time in print. We love the moment when we say to a new visitor to our dealer table at a convention, “So, have you heard of On Spec?”

  Labour of love, indeed! It’s been a great ride so far, with so many people to thank for their time and effort.

  The stories in this book were selected by the current editorial team, with great help from Jena Snyder, who was there from the start. We picked stories that resonated with each of us—personal favourite stories that each continue to stand on their own, regardless of the year they first saw print. Some of the earliest stories didn’t make the cut, because they had already appeared in our First Five Years anthology (Edge Science Fiction and Fantasy Publishing), and you can read them there. This book will show you what we’ve been doing with our time since then. And we want to thank Tyche Books for this opportunity.

  While we were making our choices, it was just like visiting with old friends. If this is your introduction to On Spec, we have some friends we’d love for you to meet.

  Happy Eating on Ugrath 3:

  A model for study

  Jason Kapalka

  START REPORT

  04/06/99 HardCopy File for Reference

  ScriptTrans 02/08/97-04/23/98 Sys53/SecC

  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Dear Mr. Nogren:

  Congratulations on your safe planetfall on Ugrath 3, and the problem-free setup of HappyFood Franchise #2232575! We suggest you immediately begin thawing the Food Processing Clerks in your freezer—FPCs require a few days of orientation and training before they are competent to work the HappyFood Franchise equipment.

  As you know, Ugrath 3 is a small world which has been out of direct contact with the Core for some forty years now. Nonetheless it is a prestigious assignment for a HappyFood Franchise manager! The colonists there have been living on a limited diet of local foodstuffs for some time now, and in general, have large credit accounts due to the lack of consumer outposts. The time is ripe for Ugrath 3 to have a HappyFood Franchise established.

  Remember Yucatan 5!

  Eighty years ago it was a small colony like Ugrath 3, but thanks to assertive marketing, HappyFood Inc. now has over 300,000 franchises there while the competition has been unable to gain a significant foothold.

  While training your Food Processing Clerks, we suggest you have them use HappyFood Inc.’s new slogan as often as possible, especially at the conclusion of a transaction. Studies have shown that repetition of this variety will embed the desired associations in subjects within a short time.

  “Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!”

  EndTrans

  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Dear Mr. Nogren:

  We are happy to see from your account files that your HappyFood franchise is off to a good start. But by no means can you rest on your laurels just yet! Action must be taken to consolidate the gains made during this initial period.

  Your present markup rate of 240% is acceptable, but in the light of the Ugrath 3 colonists’ high disposable income, and the lack of competition at present, we feel it would be wise to increase this to 300% over a two-month period.

  One other suggestion is in order. You do not mention having trained your Food Processing Clerks for suggestive merchandising. If you have not yet done so, proceed to with all dispatch!

  The procedure is simple, and well within the FPCs’ capabilities. For example: if a customer buys the Jumbo Bacon Barbecue HappyBurger (Simulated), have the FPC ask if they would like the Cheesy Potato Skins (Simulated) with it, while nodding their head slightly up and down. Studies show that even the suggestion of a nod increases the customer’s chances of saying yes to such a question. Do not be afraid to aggressively use suggestive merchandising! Choice is a burden to most customers, and they will be pleased to have your staff suggest food item selections.

  Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!

  EndTrans

  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Dear Mr. Nogren:

  Recent invoices from your HappyFood franchise indicate a period of slowed growth. Going over your daily reports, we believe we have pinpointed the problem.

  There seems to be a misunderstanding on your part of the Truth in Food Marketing codes. While food unit archives and daypart reports must, indeed, list a particular meal’s full title, it is unnecessary to print it on your menu, or have your Food Processing Clerks pronounce it during transactions. Specifically, we see your menu lists items like the “Happy Lobster Pack (Simulated)” and “Milk Substitute Reconstitute HappyShake.” It is not necessary to include the terms “Simulated” or “Milk Substitute Reconstitute” in the names of these items. In fact, we strongly suggest you discontinue the use of such terms, as we believe they are responsible for the dip in your day profit reports.

  In other developments at HappyFood Inc., some recent outbreaks of scombroid on developing planets have been traced
to contaminated morlen, a mainstay of the Happy Seafood menu. Consequently, HappyFood Inc. has decided to discontinue the use of the Happy Morlen food product, item number 343-86ux in your catalog. From this time onward, food item 343-86ux must be referred to in all cases as Happy Fish.

  Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!

  EndTrans

  TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

  RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

  Dear Mr. Nogren:

  We are happy to see that you have complied with our advice regarding the daypart menu terminology. Perhaps not coincidentally, your accounts indicate that the Ugrath 3 Franchise is now growing rapidly in popularity with the colonists. At this rate, your franchise will be one of the most profitable and prestigious establishments in HappyFood Inc.’s galaxy-wide chain.

  On a more sombre note: we are sorry to hear about the demise of two of your Food Processing Clerks in a microwave accident. Still, remember the clone tanks in your Franchise can generate replacements within a few weeks. We have sent a copy of HappyFood Inc.’s FPC training Videodisc #4354 along with this month’s shipment of food materials. This enjoyable vid uses advanced subliminal imagery to teach your FPCs to deal with death or maiming due to cuts, slashes, laser burns, or radiation spills in a cheerful manner that will not interfere with their regular duties. If you watch this vid yourself, remember to wear the enclosed protective glasses to prevent any unintentional b-mod spillover.

  You also mention some requests by the Ugrath 3 colonists for information on the nutritive makeup of HappyFood products. By all means, give them a copy of HappyFood Inc.’s Infobook #3490, detailing the healthy, natural wholesome materials HappyFood products are made of and/or inspired by. Regarding Unigel, the principal taste component of some meals: do not give your customers erroneous information regarding this substance! Remember: HappyFood Inc. won the 2095 court case in which Unigel was alleged to possess certain deleterious and addictive properties.