Witty Pieces by Witty People Read online

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  The Popular Series of Choice Novels.

  WITTY PIECES BY WITTY PEOPLE

  A BOOK OF FUNNY STORIES.

  AT PLAY.

  "Wondah ef dat bi-spi's got dun countin' yet?"]

  "Hey, you Willie Johnson! ef you don't quit taggin' sohard, I ain't gwine play wid you no mo'." --_Light._]

  ROYAL PUBLISHING CO.,

  528 Locust Street, Philadelphia, Pa.

  WITTY PIECES BY WITTY PEOPLE.

  A COLLECTION

  OF THE

  FUNNIEST SAYINGS, BEST JOKES, LAUGHABLE ANECDOTES, MIRTHFUL STORIES, ETC., EXTANT.

  _ILLUSTRATED WITH MANY STRIKING AND AMUSING CUTS._

  Copyrighted, 1894, by CRAWFORD & CO.

  PHILADELPHIA, PA.: ROYAL PUBLISHING CO.

  MR. AND MRS. BOWSER.

  The Former Decides to Give a Progressive Euchre Party.

  Mr. Bowser suddenly looked up from his paper the other evening andasked:

  "Why is it that we haven't given a progressive euchre party thisseason?"

  "They have been voted too much trouble," I replied.

  "They have, eh? Did any one vote besides you? I saw half a dozenmentioned in the papers last Sunday."

  "It's almost impossible to get thirty or forty people together on acertain evening, even if all desire to come. Mrs. Johnson calculated oneight tables and only had enough for five. Mrs. Dart calculated on----"

  "Oh, bosh! What does a woman's calculation amount to?"

  "But if people can't come and don't come, what are you going to do?"

  "They can come, and they will come. It's all in the management."

  "Well, I wish you'd try it."

  "Do you? Very well, Mrs. Bowser; I shall give a progressive euchre partynext week, Wednesday evening. If you'll see to the refreshments I'll seeto the people."

  "I'll be glad to, of course, but----"

  "But what?"

  "You must prepare yourself for disappointments."

  "Oh, I must! How kind of you to give me warning! Mrs. Bowser, I don'twant to seem vain or egotistical, but I'll invite thirty-six people hereon that night, and for every one who fails to come I'll give you a $20bill."

  "You are very kind--very kind. I hope the party, will be a greatsuccess. You can begin at once."

  During the next hour he had the use of the telephone to call upacquaintances, and when he finally hung up the trumpet he turned to mewith:

  "Anything very dismal about that, Mrs. Bowser? I've got ten couplewithout moving out of my tracks. I'll have the other eight beforeto-morrow night."

  "That is, they will promise to come."

  "Promise! Promise! Do you imagine that all other people are like you?Most folks know their own minds for a day or two ahead, Mrs. Bowser."

  When he came home next night he had a list of eighteen couples who hadbeen invited and solemnly promised to come. Mr. Bowser had made it apoint to inform each one that the playing would begin at eight sharp,and all had agreed to be on hand fifteen minutes before that hour.

  "Voted too much trouble--can't get people enough!" sneered Mr. Bowser ashe looked over the list. "It's in the management, Mrs. Bowser--all inthe management."

  For three days he walked around on tiptoe and took every occasion tobrag over me. Then came the first setback. We were at dinner when thetelephone rang and Mr. Bowser was asked for.

  "Hello, Bowser."

  "Yes."

  "This is Filbert."

  "Yes."

  "I wanted to tell you that we can't come down to the party."

  "You can't?"

  "No. My wife has just remembered that she agreed to go over to Johnson'son that night. Sorry, old fellow, but I hope----"

  Mr. Bowser shut him off with a loud bang and returned to me and said:

  "Mrs. Bowser, don't you ever darken Filbert's doors again--never! Theyare liars and dangerous people. I can fill their places in fiveminutes."

  Before he got out of the house there was another ring.

  "Hello, Bowser!"

  "Yes."

  "This is Watkins."

  "Yes."

  "When I told you the other day we'd be down Wednesday evening, I forgotthat our Eva was to have a child's party on the same evening. Thatknocks us out."

  "And you can't come?"

  "Of course not. Sorry to disappoint you, old fellow, but of course----"

  "Watkins is a liar, Mrs. Bowser--a first class, bold-faced liar!"exclaimed Mr. Bowser, "and you want to cut the whole family as dead as adoor nail!"

  He went off saying he could get 2,000,000 couples to take their places,and he returned at evening just as the following note came by the handsof a messenger boy:

  "Mr. and Mrs. Jackson present their compliments, and regret that thedeath of an uncle in China will prevent them from being present onWednesday evening."

  Mr. Bowser had begun to turn white when the telephone rang.

  "Hello, Bowser!"

  "Yes."

  "Say, old man, this is a world of change, you know. When I told you we'dcome down to that party I never thought about my sister. She's to bemarried that same evening. Tra-la, old boy; hope you'll have a goodtime."

  "I told you it would be hard work to get so many people out," Iremarked.

  "Did you, Mrs. Bowser? How kind of you! But I'll show you and theseliars and deceivers a thing or two before I get through."

  There were no more declinations until Wednesday morning. Then Mr. Bowserwas called up by telephone.

  "That you, Bowser?"

  "Yes."

  "Is it to-night you have that party?"

  "Yes."

  "Pshaw! I thought it was a week from to-night! Well, that knocks us out.We've got to go to the Y. M. C. A. Sorry, you know, but this is aprevious engagement."

  Mr. Bowser was jumping up and down when there came another ring.

  "Hello, Bowser!"

  "Yes."

  "Nice weather."

  "Yes."

  "All well down there?"

  "Yes."

  "Say, Bowser, my wife made a previous engagement for to-night. We've gotto go to----"

  Mr. Bowser shut him off with a bang and started for the office. Duringthe forenoon I took in two more declinations, and while he was at dinnerthere was a ring and the old familiar hail:

  "Hello, Bowser!"

  "Yes."

  "Say, Bowser!"

  "Yes."

  "We expect to be down early to-night."

  "Glad of it."

  "But it may be that my mother-in-law will come in on the 6.30 train. Ifshe does we can't come."

  Mr. Bowser seemed dazed as he hung up the trumpet and left the house.The last blow came at 7 in the evening. The telephone rang and hecrawled over to answer.

  "Is this Bowser's?"

  "Yes."

  "Where's the old man?"

  "I am Mr. Bowser."

  "Oh! so you are. Your voice seems mighty weak to-night. Say, old man,the three couples of us in this terrace were coming down to-night, butwe must disappoint you at this late moment. We have had free ticketssent up for the opera, and of course----"

  Mr. Bowser walked to the front door, locked it, muffled the bell andturned out the gas. Then he sat down and was very quiet for a couple ofhours. At last he looked up and said:

  "Mrs. Bowser, some husbands would murder a wife for this!"

  "But what have I done?"

  "What have you done? Coaxed, bribed and bull
dozed me into giving aprogressive euchre party, and where's the party? I told you how it wouldcome out, and here we are! Mrs. Bowser, I--I----"

  But he was too full for further utterance, and went to bed.

  --_Detroit Free Press._

  Reasonable.

  Postmaster--The letter is too heavy; it wants another stamp.

  Countrywoman--Why, that will make it heavier still!

  --_Humoristische._

  Actors may have no end of animosities in private life, but they alwaysmake up before they appear on the