Witty Pieces by Witty People Read online

stage.

  --_Greenville Advocate._

  AN ICY RECEPTION.]

  BROMLEY--Why, Digsby, what's the matter? you look chilled.

  DIGSBY--Right you are, deah boy, the fact is, I attended a social theother evening and everything they served was iced.

  By H. C. R.

  Dakota has a town named Patronage. Patronage is generally considered agood thing out of which to make capital.

  --_Boston Transcript._

  "Men who have anything in their heads find plenty to do with theirhands."--_J. Howard, Jr., in N. Y. Press._ That's so. We saw a tramp theother day who evidently had something in his head, and both hands werein use.

  EFFECTS OF A DOSE OF THE ELIXIR.]

  Jones' better half had presented him with twins. When nurse brought theminto the room for inspection the poor man was so bewildered at themultitudinous character of his happiness that he asked: "Am I tochoose?"

  --_Judge._

  A Chicago man tried to commit suicide by perforating his head with abullet. The bullet passed through his skull all right, but did not touchthe brain. Before a man goes gunning for his own brains, he ought toacquire the requisite skill by practicing at a pea in a peck measure fora time.

  --_Binghamton Republican._

  Few Things Boston Girls Don't Know.

  He--Of course you know what a garter snake is?

  She (from Boston)--If you refer to that representative of the serpentinefamily with the same propensities characteristic to an elastic band usedto retain hosiery in a stationery position, I do.

  --_Binghamton Democrat._

  Saved His Honor.

  Smith--I was sorry to hear, Brown, that you had failed in business.

  Brown--Yes, I struggled hard, but I lost everything, save my honor,thank Heaven, and the property I was wise enough to settle on my wifewhen I found myself getting into trouble.

  --_Texas Siftings._

  A Bricklayer.

  Several Irishmen were disputing one day about the invincibility of theirrespective powers when one of them remarked:

  "Faith, I'm a brick."

  "And I'm a bricklayer," said another, giving the first speaker a blowthat brought him to the ground.

  --_Sunday Mercury._

  A Business Term.

  Clara--How comfortable pants must be. Wish I was a man.

  Her Mother--My dear, you shock me. You should say trousers.

  "I don't care. Charlie always says pants."

  "You forget that Charlie works in a clothing store."

  --_Clothier and Furnisher._

  NOW SHE IS THIN AND HE IS FAT.

  The Wonderful Case of the Mullenhausers, Who Bathed at Coney Island.

  The familiar figures of Mr. Germain Mullenhauser and his wife are nolonger seen daily braving the surf at Coney Island. They have returnedto their Brooklyn residence, where their ablutions are made in the bathtub, and it is very doubtful whether any of the seaside resorts willever see them again. An estrangement has grown up between them, and theyare not happy.

  Their story is a strange eventful history. Two months ago Mrs.Mullenhauser could readily turn the scales at 210 pounds, while herhusband weighed about the ninety pounds necessary to aggregate 300. Theywere proud of their proportions, viewed collectively, and neither wasjealous of the other. But in an evil hour a friend told Mr. Mullenhauserthat he was beginning to look like a scarecrow, and slightinglynicknamed him "Praise-God Bare-Bones," in pointed and scornfulrecognition of the office of deacon in a Brooklyn church. Mr.Mullenhauser consulted a doctor with the view of gaining flesh.

  About the same time an attenuated female acquaintance told Mrs.Mullenhauser that if she grew any fatter she would stand a chance ofbursting, and would certainly become dropsical. The stout lady wasalarmed, and she too, sought the advice of a medical practitionerrelative to the best method of shedding some of her superfluous tissue.Neither husband or wife cared to take counsel with the family physician.They stated their cases to different doctors, and only told each otherwhat they had done when their courses had been mapped out for them.

  "Dr. Jones seems to be a very intelligent person," said the lady. "Hesays that by surf bathing I can reduce my weight at the rate of fourteenpounds a week."

  "Why, he must be an imbecile," exclaimed her husband, hotly. "If you gowallowing, like a whale, in the ocean it will add just two pounds a dayto your bulk. That is what Dr. Brown promises that sea bathing will dofor me, and I am going to begin to try it to-morrow."

  "Germain, you have been imposed upon by an ignorant quack," replied Mrs.Mullenhauser, severely. "If you risk your light body in those greatrollers at Coney Island you will be swept away. Be contented with yoursmall proportions and try to show that you make up in mind what you lackin matter."

  "I won't," cried the small man, angrily. "I'll take Dr. Brown's advice,and I'll soon be as fat as you are now. Though Lord knows what sizeyou'll be then, if you follow the directions of that ass, Jones," headded sarcastically.

  Thus was made between them the fissure that has since been wideningdaily. They went down to Coney Island together and engaged board andlodging. They kept up a show of friendliness before the public to saveappearances, but they ate their meals in silence and bathed at differentparts of the beach.

  The other frequenters looked at them with amazement, for a great changewas soon perceptible in each. Drs. Brown and Jones were both right. Atthe end of sixty days their joint weight was still 300 pounds, but Mr.Mullenhauser now tipped the scales at 210 pounds and was threatened withdropsy, while his wife could only turn them at 90 pounds, looked like ascarecrow, and feared to breast the waves, as she had formerly done,lest they should sweep her away.

  They fled by different trains from the seaside and tried to consult theslighted family physician, but he refused to be consulted, and advisedthem, cynically, to see Drs. Jones and Brown. Mrs. Mullenhauser is halfa foot taller than her spouse, and much better adapted, anatomically, tocarry the heavier burden of flesh. She looks like a greyhound, and helike a puncheon standing on its end. It is likely that before thebathing season returns, Brown, the ignorant quack, will prescribe forthe lady, and Jones, the ass, for her husband.

  --_N. Y. Sun._

  Was Qualified.

  "Well, Herr Schulze, what are you going to do with your boy?"

  "I think I shall have to let him join the police, for I never can findhim when I want him!"

  --_Fliegende Blaetter._

  Fannie tried very hard to be polite and speak correctly. At church oneday she met a little friend who had been sick for some time. In askingabout her affliction Fannie said: "Did you enjoy much pain when you wereill?"

  --_Youth's Companion._

  Where They Might Economize.

  Bagley--I hear that Mrs. Mosenthal has presented you with twins,Solomon.

  Mr. Mosenthal--Yes, it vas a fact, twin boys or I'm a liar.

  "Must be quite an expense, eh?"

  "Yes, but dere's vone good t'ing I t'ought of. De same photograph willdo for little Ikey or little Jakey; dey look so mooch like."

  --_America._

  Just Why.

  They lingered in the gloaming Beneath the star-lit sky, Yet oft unto his hearing There came from her a sigh; He marvelled at her sadness And longed to ask her why.

  Then as he pressed her closer He lisped: "Why dost thou sigh?" "Ah, Gus," said she, "I cannot Tell unto
thee a lie; The trouble is I've eaten Too much spring chicken pie."

  --_Birmingham Age-Herald._

  She Knew One When She Saw It.

  The following is related as an actual occurrence during the presentationof "Virginius" by the amateurs of Macon. Those who have seen the playwill doubtless remember the scene where the ashes of Virginia, who hasbeen killed by her father, after which the body was cremated, arebrought on the stage in an urn. A young lady in the audience turned toher escort with the remark: "That's a crematory."

  "No," said he, "you are mistaken; that is not a crematory."

  "Well, I say it is," she remarked; "I guess I know a crematory when Isee one."

  The curtain drops.

  --_Americus Recorder._

  An Incentive to Study.

  "Pa, where was Captain Anson