Witty Pieces by Witty People Read online

born?"

  "I don't know, I'm sure."

  "Where was John L. Sullivan born?"

  "I don't know that either."

  "Pa, I wish you would buy me a history of the United States."

  --_Chicago Herald._

  "WE'VE BOTH BEEN THERE BEFORE, MANY A TIME."]

  Connoisseurs.

  Mrs. True Genteel--Good morning, Mrs. Carrots. Going to New York to do alittle shopping?

  Mrs. Gusby Carrots (whose husband has hit Standard Oil and acquiredsudden riches)--No, I've just returned. I bought a nice Rubens thismorning, and I declare! when I called at my husband's office he told mehe had bought a Rembrandt by the same artist yesterday afternoon.

  --_Once a Week._

  THE LIMEKILN CLUB.

  How Major Drawbar Jones Escaped Expulsion on Serious Charges.

  On the opening of the meeting the secretary announced a communicationfrom Eufaula, Ala., making charges against Major Drawbar Jones, anhonorary member of the club. He was charged with:

  1. Going on a rabbit hunt while his wife lay at the point of death.

  2. Putting burrs under the saddle of his old mule to get up anartificial enthusiasm.

  Brother Gardner said that it was a question for debate, and GiveadamJones arose and observed that he could never vote to convict a brotheron the first charge. While there might be no question that Major Joneswent out to hunt rabbits while his wife was dying, what was his object?Was it for amusement, or was it to provide her with rabbit soup? Theaccused should be given the benefit of the doubt. As to charge No. 2,that was a different matter. A man who would put burrs under his saddle,whether that saddle was on a horse or a mule, deserved the severestcondemnation.

  Waydown Bebee couldn't excuse the Major for going on that rabbit hunt. Adying wife does not care for soup of any sort. As to the burrs under thesaddle, they might have got there by accident. Even if they were putthere by design, there was no evidence that the mule objected. He owneda mule, whose demeanor could not be changed one iota by all the burrs inthe State of Michigan.

  Shindig Watkins, Elder Toots, Samuel Shin, and others argued pro andcon, and the question of whether the Major should be bounced was put toa vote. The vote stood 43 for, and 44 against, and he thus escaped bythe skin of his teeth.

  --_Detroit Free Press._

  A Good Trade.

  Prison Keeper--You will have to work here, Moriarty, but you may selectany trade you wish.

  Prisoner--Well, if it's all the same to you, sor, Oi'd like to be asailor.

  --_Munsey's Weekly._

  A Poetical Cook.

  Ferguson--So our cook is going, is she? Well, I hope the next one willbe of a more literary turn.

  Mrs. Ferguson--What do you mean by that?

  Mr. Ferguson--A more earnest disciple of the art of Browning, don't youknow.

  --_Boston Post._

  Knowledge Is Power.

  Freddie--Papa, what does "filly" mean?

  Papa--(willing to give the boy a lift)--A young mare, Freddie.

  Freddie--Well, then, what do they call a young cow, papa?

  Papa--(slightly staggered)--Oh! ah! a--er--filly de boeuf.

  --_Columbia Spectator._

  A Good Reason for Stopping a Newspaper.

  I happened to be in the office of the _Mercantile Review and Live StockJournal_ recently in time to hear one of the best reasons ever given forstopping a newspaper.

  A German boy entered, removed his hat, and asked:

  "Is Mr. Vepsider in?"

  "He is," replied Charles H. Webster, looking up from a mass of tissuelive stock reports which he was winnowing.

  "Vell, Mister Bitters don't want to take dot paber no more. He vos dedtlast nide alretty."

  The name of the late Mr. Bitters, a cattle dealer, was duly erased fromthe delivery sheet.

  --_Buffalo Truth._

  With Interest.

  "Old Mr. Skinner is a very charitable man, isn't he?"

  "Oh, yes; of course. But if he ever casts his bread upon the waters, besure he expects it to come back a meat sandwich."

  --_Tid Bits._

  A Paris despatch says: "Sarah Bernhardt is overworked." Oh, well; Sarahhas one great advantage over all other actresses --she may beoverworked, become nervous, take to her bed with a sickness nigh untodeath, but she can't fall away any in flesh.

  --_Kentucky State Journal._

  Three Periods of Love.

  I.

  Sighing like a furnace, Over ears in love, Blind in adoration Of his lady's glove. Thinks no girl was ever Quite so sweet as she, Tells you she's an angel, Expects you to agree.

  II.

  Moping and repining, Gloomy and morose, Asks the price of poison, Thinks he'll take a dose. Women are so fickle, Love is all a sham, Marriage is a failure, Like a broken dam.

  III.

  Whistling, blithe and cheerful, Always bright and gay, Dancing, singing, laughing, All the livelong day. Full of fun and frolic Caught in Fashion's whirl, Thinks no more of poison-- Got another girl.

  --_Somerville Journal._

  Where Hens Are Useful.

  A dozen eggs will get you a yard and a half of gingham at the CadmusGrange store next week. They have secured an immense line of summerginghams; in fact, more than they have room for, therefore thisunparalleled offer. "The early bird catches the worm."

  --_La Cygne Journal._

  To forget a wrong is the best revenge, particularly if the other fellowis bigger than you.

  --_Liverpool Post._

  A DIFFICULT JOB.]

  MISS BIRDIE--Is this the place where you recover umbrellas?

  CLERK--Yes'sum.

  MISS BIRDIE--Well, I wish you would recover mine. It is a real new one,with a crooked handle, and some one stole it from the Church last Sundaynight.

  --_Chicago Liar._

  There is now not a single justice on the Supreme bench of the UnitedStates--they are all married.

  --_Madelia Times._

  Not so Mad After All.

  Physician--Your husband is quite delirious and seems utterly out of hismind. Has he recognized anyone to-day?

  Wife--Oh, yes. He called me a dragon this morning, and he constantlyspeaks of the governess as an angel.

  --_Boston Beacon._

  HE SURPRISED HIMSELF.]

  AMATEUR CONTORTIONIST--Now, Billy, when I goes in this barril, you justturn it over and I'll come out the other end.--_Judge._

  Practical Theology.

  Two well known clergymen lately missed their train, upon which one ofthem took out his watch and finding it to blame for the mishap, said hewould no longer have any faith in it.

  "But," said the other, "isn't it a question not of faith, but of works?"

  --_Living Church._

  How it Affects Them.

  Mrs. Prim--It's dreadful the way the men drink these days; isn't it? Myhusband's head is so weak he can't drink. A glass of vichy makes himroaring.

  Mrs. Blim.--Yes, and my husband can't read the label on a beer bottlewithout getting a headache.

  --_Cincinnati Commercial._

  !!!]

  Cheap Postage.

  "Talk about cheap
postal rates. I've seen 125 pounds go for a two-centstamp," remarked Mr. Keeplent.

  "When was that?" said Mrs. K., laying down her paper.

  "This morning, my dear, when you went to the corner drug store for astamp."

  --_Chicago Herald._

  A MODEST TALE.

  It Is Cheerfully Told by a Georgia Munchausen.

  "I hardly feel like telling a modest tale," said another, "after thewonderful things we have heard; but I will give you a true story whichwas told me by a North Georgia cracker."

  "Tell it, tell it!" they said.

  "Well, then, once upon a time a man who lived by a creek in NorthGeorgia discovered that the corn was disappearing from his crib. Hewatched and at length found the secret of the theft.

  "A squirrel came down to the edge of the creek on the opposite side,dragged a shingle to the water's edge, launched it, and jumping onhimself hoisted his tail for a sail. He soon sailed across and anchoredhis shingle at the bank. Stealing up to the crib, he got out an ear ofcorn and