Witty Pieces by Witty People Read online

in New York.

  --_Kansas City Journal._

  CHOLLY--Aw, Fweddie, did you see her smile at me? Quite angelic, doncherknow.

  FWEDDIE--Smiled, did she? Well, I cahn't blame her. Youah lookssometimes make me smile, bah jove.

  --_Chicago Liar._

  A number of the school-ma'ams are employing their Summer vacations ineducating the blind. Their only pupil is a bad boy named Cupid.

  --_Chicago News._

  Certainly.

  "I understand the progressive dinner party craze has struck St. Louis,"said Miss Societie, of Lucas avenue to Mr. Featherhide.

  Mr. Featherhide (dryly)--"Yes, but such dinners are simply a matter ofcourse."

  --_St. Louis Critic._

  Knew All the Ladies.

  A street car going west on Madison street last Saturday afternoon wasloaded with women returning from the matinee. In one corner of the car acountryman sat. When the car reached May street the conductor opened thedoor and called "May!" A woman left the car at this street. When hereached Ann the conductor called that name and another woman got off. AtElizabeth Street he called out "Elizabeth!" and two women got off. Whenhe called "Ada!" still another woman got up and left.

  The countryman went out on the platform and said to the conductor:

  "Do you know where I want to get off?"

  "I do not."

  "Do you know my name?"

  "No, sir; I don't."

  "Do you know all the women in Chicago?"

  "Well, I should say not. Why?"

  "Nothing. I heerd you callin' them women that have jist been gitting offby their first names, an' you knowed jist where they wanted to stop, an'I thought you was acquainted with all the people in town."

  --_Chicago Mail._

  The Collar Line.

  Doddle--I say, Coddle, old boy! What's the ideah of having a howid bigflap on a fellah's ear? Couldn't we have heard pwetty nearly as wellwithout it?

  Coddle--Pwobably, Doddle, but it dwaws the collar line, don't yer know;it sawter keeps the collar from wunning up and knocking our hats off.

  --_Glens Falls Republican._

  A Foregone Conclusion.

  Young Doctor--Well, I've got a case at last.

  Young Lawyer--Glad to hear it. When you get him to the point where hewants a will drawn, telephone over.

  --_Life._

  A Simple Fish Story.

  A bass weighing one pound in 1880 was returned to the Potomac with asmall sleigh bell attached to its tail with a wire. A few days ago itwas caught with the bell still attached, the fish weighing six pounds.This may seem like a fish story, but some of our readers will rememberthat a one-pound bass caught in the Eastern branch five years ago wasreturned to the water with a penny tin whistle attached to its tail.Three years later the bass was caught near the same spot. It stillweighed a pound, but the whistle had grown into a fog horn.

  --_New Orleans Picayune._

  An Unwelcome Invention.

  "I think that fellow is real mean," said Marie, throwing down the paper.

  "What fellow?"

  "Why, the one it speaks of here who has invented a car window that willopen and shut readily by touching a spring."

  "Well, I think it is a great thing. Why do you object to it?"

  "Simply because now I can never have, when traveling, some fascinatingdrummer bending over me to open or shut the window for me."

  --_Wasp._

  No Balm on Sunday.

  A certain politician holding office in Washington comes from Gilead, N.H. and he is proud of his native town. It is told of him that on oneoccasion a visiting clergyman preached in the village church and duringthe course of his remarks, he exclaimed:

  "Is there no balm in Gilead?"

  Mr. Blank jumped to his feet at once.

  "Of course there is," he sung out, to the horror of the congregation,"but you can't get it on Sunday."

  --_Troy Telegram._

  An Explanation.

  Mrs. Smith--John, has Mrs. Thompson done anything to offend you? Shecomplains that you spoke very rudely to her when you came in yesterdayevening.

  Mr. S.--Oh, I'm sorry for that. I'm always glad to see Mrs. Thompson,and wouldn't like to hurt her feelings. Fact is, when I came in, theroom was rather dark and I mistook her for you.

  --_Toronto Grip._

  She Could Smell It.

  Little Johnny McSwilligen, surreptitiously sampled his mamma's brandiedpeaches yesterday, and soon after had occasion to use the telephone.

  "A little later Mr. McSwilligen called his wife to the 'phone to informher that he would be late getting home.

  "Yes, I know why," she replied.

  "Ah, how do you know?"

  "Why, you're drinking again, and intend to make a night of it."

  "Indeed I am not," protested McSwilligen. "I have not touched a drop fora year."

  "Oh, you can't impose on me that way," insisted his wife. "I can smellyour breath."

  And she hung up the receiver with a rattle that almost dislocated theinstrument.

  --_Pittsburgh Chronicle._

  Offended.

  Insulted Montanian (to tenderfoot newspaper correspondent)--Lookee here,young man, you want to be a little more keerful how you write thingsthat ain't so to them newspapers back East. This is a high-toned town,by Jinks, and the boys won't stand it.

  Terrified Tenderfoot--Why, I--I--what have I written?

  "Why, you writ to a Chicago paper that we lynched thirteen men here lastmonth, and it's a lie."

  "I--I--thought it was true, or--I----"

  "Well, it wasn't. We didn't lynch but twelve, and we only rid the otheron a rail and peppered him a little with buckshot. Stick to facts, youngman, that's all we ask of you."

  --_Time._

  Journalistic Comprehensiveness.

  A little fellow who was earnestly searching the columns of a certainreligious journal for something in the juvenile department, found thepaper rather bulky to manage and spread it upon the floor. In reply tohis little sister, who was impatient at his slowness, he defendedhimself by saying: "Well, you must remember that this paper has twoparts--the religious and the sacrilegious!" It was the same boy, by theway, who announced that the Scripture lesson at school one morning wasfrom the Book of Collisions.

  --_Troy Times._

  A Fatal Mistake.

  Bliffers--What's wrong to-day, Bluffers? You look blue.

  Bluffers--I'll never forgive myself. I kicked a caller out of my houselast night.

  "Huh! I've kicked out many a one. Young fellow, I suppose?"

  "No; past middle age."

  "Well, these old codgers have no business to be coming around sparkingyoung girls. I kicked out one of that sort last week."

  "Yes, but I've found out this man wasn't courting my daughter. He wasafter my mother-in-law."

  --_Philadelphia Record._

  Successful Speculation.

  "Maria," said Mr. Cuteboy yesterday, "I made $20 this morning."

  "Indeed," said Mrs. C. curiously. "Did Reading go up?"

  "Not exactly," was the quiet rejoinder, "but your brother John asked meto lend him that sum and I didn't happen to have it at the time."

  --_Philadelphia Inquirer._

  Her Business.

  Old woman
presents herself at the booking office and asks for athird-class ticket. "Where for?" inquires the clerk.

  "That's my business!" is the reply.

  --_Dictionnaire Universal._

  That the moon is made of green cheese is a mere idle fancy, but that thehoneymoon is made of taffy is an established fact.

  --_Terre Haute Express._

  Burdette on Womankind.

  Why am I a woman suffragist?

  Because I am.

  Because a woman has more good, hard, common sense than a man.

  Because she makes less bluster about her rights, and quietly maintainsthem better than a man.

  Because she won't give $1.50 for an article that she knows very well shecan get for 75 cents.

  Because she does not stalk