Witty Pieces by Witty People Read online

enough," he returned, after a moment'sreflection, "an' Oi'll be viry gla-ad t' let th' young ladies paint meav ye'll tell me how'll Oi'll git the paint arf me afterwar-rds."

  --_Harpers' Magazine._

  A Suitable Adviser.

  Simpson (to friend who is lamenting the conduct of his son)--You shouldspeak to him with firmness, and remind him of his duties.

  Father--He pays no attention to what I say. He listens only to theadvice of fools. I wish you would speak to him!

  --_San Francisco Wasp._

  Broke In.

  Araminta--You put your arm around my waist so gracefully, George.

  George--I have had lots of practice. I was a street car conductor fiveyears.

  --_Epoch._

  Dog Days.

  Kind Lady (to tramp)--That coat you have on is pretty well worn out,isn't it?

  Tramp--Yes, madame, I fear it has gone to the dogs.

  --_Clothier and Furnisher._

  Although people do not like a tumble, they generally appreciate a fallin the mountains.

  --_Boston Gazette._

  There is no experience more heavily fraught with deep ghastlylonesomeness than that of being shaved by a deaf-and-dumb barber.

  --_Washington Star._

  THE OPIATES WERE FOR HER.]

  MRS. GABB--What is the matter with my husband?

  DOCTOR--Nothing, except that he needs change. I prescribe opiates andrest.

  MRS. GABB--Shall I give him the opiates at once?

  DOCTOR--Oh, the opiates are not for him; they are for you.

  --_Once a Week._

  The fact that diamonds are rapidly increasing in price is pleasing newsto the Glass Trust.

  --_N. Y. World._

  Bucket-shops are so called, apparently, because they carry in a pail thesame goods which the bigger exchanges carry in hogsheads.

  --_Albany Times._

  The Firm Schoolmistress.

  Firm Schoolmarm--You children must behave yourselves. I'll go wild ifyou don't. Jimmie Smith, stop cutting that desk. (Jimmie does not stop.)I'll put your knife in the fire if you don't. Never mind; I am going towrite a note to your father.

  Jimmie--Don't care if you do.

  Schoolmarm--Don't talk to me that way. Put up that knife this veryinstant, or I'll box your ears. (Starts towards him.) Never mind, sir(taking her seat), I'm going to tell your mother.

  Jimmie--Don't care if you do.

  Schoolmarm--Don't you talk to me that way. Never mind, sir, I'm going tokeep you in after school. Will Brown, you must not eat in school.Willie, Willie Brown. Never mind, sir. I'm going to tell your father.

  Willie--Ain't got no father.

  Schoolmarm--Well, I'll tell your mother.

  Willie--Ho, she won't do nothin' but scold me.

  Schoolmarm--Then I'll whip you myself. Bobbie Guns, go out and get me aswitch.

  Bob--Bill might hit me after school.

  Schoolmarm--I never saw the like in my life. If you all don't stopmaking such a noise my head will split open. All of you, except JimmieSmith, may go now. Jimmie, don't you go out of this house. Jimmie,Jimmie. Well, then, go on, you good-for-nothing thing. No, I won't kissyou. Go on away, I won't. Well, then (kissing him), I'll kiss you thisonce. Don't you put your dirty little arms around my neck. Oh, look, youhave mussed my hair. You little rascal (hugging him), I can't helploving you.

  --_Liverpool Post._

  At the London Law Courts.

  Mike (pointing to the patriot O'Brien)--Ah! there's a man who Balfourwould like to imprison for life if he only dared.

  Pat--Imprison for life, d'ye say? Sure, man, 'twould be no use at all.For O'Brien would die long before such a brutal sintince could come toan end.

  Mike--Ah, me bhoy! Faith, and I believe ye're right!

  --_N. Y. World._

  The Pensive Maiden.

  Pretty little darling Gazing 'cross the sea, Wonder what the tenor Of her thoughts may be; Wonder if she ever Gives a thought to me!

  Bright as sparkling dewdrop Glistening on a rose, Sweeter far than any Pretty flower that blows; Madly do I love her-- Wonder if she knows!

  Ere the voyage is over I would fain declare That I love her dearly, With a wild despair; Wonder if she'll love me! Wonder if she'll care!

  SHELLMAN.

  Our Cunning Kids.

  A city child, wandering over a farm-yard with its father, was greatlyfrightened at the sight of a good-sized gobbler.

  "Why, my boy, you don't mean to say that you're afraid of a turkey, whenyou ate one only yesterday."

  "Yes, pa, but this one isn't cooked."

  --_Judge._

  Some returned Boomers who failed to get claims in the Oklahoma territoryare said to be anxious that Col. Ingersoll shall go out to Guthrie andmodify his views as to the non-existence of Hades.

  --_Munsey's Weekly._

  He Was.

  Parson (to candidate for Sunday school)--Have you been christened, myboy?

  Boy--Yes, shir. Got marks in three plaishes on my left arm!

  --_Punch._

  HE WAS ONERY BUT INNOCENT.

  No Evidence to Convict Thomas of Stealing the Hog.

  When I reached Lester's Crossroads it was to find the score or so ofpeople comprising the hamlet very much excited, and their numbers hadbeen re-enforced by a dozen or more farmers, who had come in on mulesand in ox carts. I got accommodations at Jeffers', and in a few minutesMrs. Jeffers had posted me as to the cause of the excitement.

  "Thar's gwine to be the powerfulest lawsuit nobody ever hearn tell of,"she explained. "Thar's gwine ter be as many as ten witnesses, and thelawyers will gab, and the squar' will boss everybody, and it will be theexcitingest time we ever had. I'm so glad you got yere in time!"

  The squar' who lived a mile out of the hamlet took dinner with us, alsothe lawyers, both of whom had made a ride of fifteen miles in theinterest of their respective clients. The squar' was on his dignity, andthe lawyers were looked up to with all the reverence and respect due thepresident of the United States. School was dismissed that the trialmight take place in the school-house, and when we all found seats theplace was packed. When the case was stated Thomas Andrews, a "squatfarmer," was charged with having stolen, killed and converted to his ownuse one hog belonging to and the lawful property of William Ainsworth,another "squat farmer." The squar' opened his own court as follows:

  "Here ye and look yere! This court ar' now open fur bizness, and it'sagin the law to fuss or trifle. Them negroes and all others is warned tobe powerful quiet, and if ary purson be in contempt he will get the fullextent of the law. Hank Stovin, kick that ar big dog of your'n outerdoors."

  The prosecutor then charged the prisoner with having, between the 5thand the 20th of the month, stolen, killed and eaten, in whole or in partone hog belonging to the plaintiff, and described as black and white, 2years old, weight 115 to 120 pounds, and in good health and faircondition.

  He was followed by the other lawyer who denied the charge in toto, andintimated that he would prove a conspiracy to down the defendant, to theinjury of his name and fame as an honest citizen of the commonwealth.The plaintiff was put on the stand, and when told to go ahead he said:

  "I know that he 'un stole my hog, and I wante
r see him sent to prison."

  "Why do you suspect him of stealing the hog?"

  "Hain't he shiftless and onery?"

  "Is that why you suspected him?"

  "It ar'. And I know the hog went over his way the last I seed of him."

  The plaintiff hadn't made out much, but he had a witness who swore thathe ate fresh pork at Andrews' cabin on the 12th. He also saw hogbristles and hoofs on the ground near the cabin.

  "You declare that on your oath, do you?"

  "Sartin, I've got to tell it as it was, though Tom and I hev alwaysjiggered (got along) without a word."

  A second witness swore that he called at Andrews' cabin on the 15th andthe wife had fresh pork in a kettle. He asked if Tom had been killingand she seemed confused and did not reply. That was the case for theprosecution. It looked slim in one sense, and yet everybody knew