Witty Pieces by Witty People Read online

know about reading character? There never was a more honestman in the world. I'd trust him with every dollar I have."

  In about half an hour Mr. Bowser began to get uneasy, and after waitinga few minutes longer he walked down to the corner. No black man. No lawnmower. By inquiry he learned that the borrower had loaded the mower intoa handcart and hurried off. It was a clear case of confidence.

  "Well?" I queried, as Mr. Bowser came back with his eyes bulging out andhis hair on end.

  "It's--it's gone!" he gasped.

  "I expected it. The longer some folks live the less they seem to know.If somebody should come and want to borrow the furnace or the baywindows you'd let 'em go, I suppose."

  "But he--he----"

  "But what of it? You had no business to lend that lawn mower, Mr.Bowser. You'll never get over your countrified ways if you live----"

  He would listen no further. He rushed out and sailed around theneighborhood for two hours, and next morning got the police at work, andit was three days before he would give up that he had been"hornswagled," as one of the detectives put it. Then, to add to hismisery, the officer said:

  "We'll keep our eyes open, but there isn't one chance in 500. After thisyou'd better let your wife have charge of things. That negro couldn'thave bamboozed her that way."

  --_Detroit Free Press._

  DEDICATED TO SOROSIS.]

  (_With the respectful compliments of_ PLUNDER.)

  SUSIE--Why don't you get married, Kittie?

  KITTIE--Well, I should like to--that's a fact. But, unfortunately, I'mnot yet able to support a husband.

  H.

  Both in Hard Luck.

  This story opens on the third floor of a Harlem compartment-house.

  He had been twisting around his chair trying to find words to expresshis undying devotion, and had already begun to hem and haw, when a voicecame from the floor below:

  "Miss Candlewick," it said, "I love you passionately--madly; bid me buthope, and all the dark colors of my life will change!"

  This was a bonanza for the young man above.

  "Miss Clara, darling," he said tremulously, "them's my sentiments."

  Then another voice came from below:

  "No, Mr. Goatee, I cannot bid you hope; I love another."

  "And them's mine, Mr. Morris," remarked Miss Clara.

  --_Harpers' Bazar._

  He Got There All the Same.

  There is in Lewiston at least one man whose friends never worry abouthis ability to take care of himself no matter where he may be.

  He went to the inauguration at Washington, last month, and after hangingaround in the rain for an hour and becoming thoroughly wet, he thoughtit would be a good plan to go up and stand under the capitolportico,--that being next best to admittance to the capitol itself,which seemed to be out of the question, as he had no ticket.

  But when he tried to avail himself of this shelter, a policeman stoppedhim.

  "Can't I stand in here out of the rain?" the Lewistonian asked,innocently.

  "No," said the policeman, "not unless you have a ticket."

  Our Lewiston friend stood by and exercised his wits for a few moments.Presently two men in the capitol came out and asked the policeman forchecks, in order that they might get in again.

  "No checks," said the officer.

  "But how are we going to get in when we come back?"

  "Go ahead, and I'll remember you."

  The Lewiston man heard this and needed no other hint. He retreated for ashort time, then threw his coat back, tripped his hat rakishly on theback of his head and started on a run for the entrance, as thoughintending to brush right by the policeman.

  "Hi!" said the officer, putting up his billy--"Where are you going?"

  "Going in."

  "Where's your ticket?"

  "Ticket! Good gracious, you wouldn't give me any! You said you'dremember."

  "Oh, yes! yes, yes! Pass right in."

  And in he went.

  The same gentleman once made a sixty days' tour of Europe for a sum lessthan a hundred dollars, passage included.

  --_Lewiston Journal._

  The Shah has left Paris for Baden. If all the stories are true the Shahis rather a bad 'un himself.

  --_Chicago Herald._

  THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH.

  BLISS.]

  WOE.]

  Willing to Pay in Trade.

  "There are some funny things in law, and lawyers meet with some funnycases once in a while," said Representative Kelly, of Lackawanna. "A manwho is somewhat distinguished in criminal annals as an expert pickpocketonce asked a friend of mine to take a case for him.

  "'Where's your money?' inquired my friend.

  "'I haven't got any,' was the reply, 'but if you'll promise to do thebusiness for me I'll go out and get a watch for you in five minutes.'"

  --_Pittsburgh Dispatch._

  Here Again.

  Now gay young men And maidens fair To ocean's shores In crowds repair. And on the sands And hillsides green, By day and night In pairs are seen. Or at the hops-- 'Tis very plain That flirting time Is here again.

  --_Boston Courier._

  A Substitute.

  A lady who is opposed to corporeal punishment visited a school at theNorth End where the rod was being applied. Before going away she said afew words to the offender, and asked him to come and see her on acertain evening, promising that her daughter should sing and play tohim. He said he would come, and at the appointed time a boy dressed inhis best was ushered into her parlor, and for an hour or more his kindentertainers devoted themselves to his enjoyment. Afterwards the olderlady took him one side and began to speak of the importance of goodbehavior and obedience to rules, when she was interrupted with: "Oh, Iain't that fellar! He gin me ten cents to cum, instid er him!"

  --_Boston Transcript._

  Wrong Train.

  A little boy, fond of "playing conductor," arranged the dining roomchairs in line and called in his one passenger, a lady of serious mind,to know at what place she wished to stop.

  "The station nearest heaven, my dear," she answered.

  "Oh, you're on ee yong t'ain, lady--you're on ee yong t'ain!"

  --_Detroit Tribune._

  An Unreliable Symptom.

  Chicagoan (decisively)--I feel it in my bones that Chicago is going tohave the fair.

  New Yorker--I should advise you to see a physician. I know a man whofelt something in his bones, and it turned out to be rheumatism.

  V. S.

  A Financial Solomon.

  Gontran--But you are surely mad! How can you think of borrowing money onthose terms and from people of that stamp?

  Holske--My dear fellow, better go to a scamp who lends you money at 15percent than to an honest man who refuses you at 5.

  --_Le Figaro._

  Four Too Many.

  Chicago Woman--I want a marriage license. My fiance is too busy to comehimself.

  Clerk of Court--Yes, ma'am (glancing at calendar). Let me see, this isthe 10th, isn't it?

  Chicago Woman--Why, how perfectly absurd of you! This is only my sixth.

  --_Minneapolis Tribune._

  Too Much of a Denial.

  Wiggins--You're rather too old to take in as an office-boy. You musthave lived pretty fast to be at the bottom of the ladder at your age.

  Applicant--No indeed, sir. I'm just as slow as I ever was while
a boy.

  --_Life._

  A Puzzled Celt.

  A class in a San Francisco art school was recently startled by thesudden appearance in its midst of a dilapidated Irishman who, with tearsin his eyes begged for enough money to get him a "bite." The firstimpulse of the presiding genius was to request him to move on, but hispicturesque qualities suggested that he be given a chance to earn hissupper by sitting as a model.

  "Sit down," said the instructor, kindly. "If you will permit these youngladies to paint you we will pay you four bits. What do you say?"

  "Av Oi'll let 'em wha-at?" replied the beggar, with a puzzled look onhis face.

  "Paint you. Paint you. It won't take very long."

  "Bedad, Oi want th' foor bits bad