Witty Pieces by Witty People Read online

  Reveries of the Season.

  I can't seem to realize, fully, How quickly the season has flown; I've scarce had a day through the summer, To rest and to be quite alone. I've been yachting and driving and bathing, I know every horse on the track; And I've planned out a beautiful future, I'm engaged to be married to Jack.

  From the first of July to September, Is not a long courtship I know; But, then, if we wait until Christmas, 'Twill be half a twelvemonth, and so After telling Jack "Yes," on an impulse, I couldn't somehow take it back; And he says we can court all our lifetime, So I'm to be married to Jack.

  He hasn't a very large fortune, But he's handsome and brimful of life, And he says that his prospects will brighten With me for his own little wife. How little I dreamed when I came here, How settled and staid I'd go back; Not caring for flirting or dancing, For I'm to be married to Jack.

  I thought, at the first of the season, Of titles and money and style; But the charm which they hold is but trifling, When I think of his bright, tender smile. Ah, me! when a girl loves her lover, Of happiness there is no lack, My heart is as light as a feather, I'm engaged to be married to Jack.

  Not So Tough as That.

  Mrs. Youngwife--Well, Harry, our first dinner party will be a greatsuccess, I think. The dinner, I am sure, will be perfect.

  Harry--I hope so. What's the game?

  "Roast ducks with currant jelly."

  "Gracious, Eleanor, the one thing I can't carve. They'll be tough, too,I'll bet."

  "Oh, no, they won't. I took care not to get canvas backs."

  --_Utica Observer._

  She Considered it a Deliberate Insult.

  When General O. O. Howard was marching down through Tennessee, GeneralWhittlesey, late president of the Freedmen's Bank, was assistantadjutant general on his staff. Whittlesey had been a clergyman down inMaine, and was fully as strait-laced as Howard. One day Howard droveinto a farm-yard from which Whittlesey was just departing. A woman andher grown daughter were standing outside the door.

  "My good woman," said Howard, "will you kindly give me a drink ofwater?"

  "No. Get out of my yard. A lot of more impident Yankees I never seed."

  "But I have done nothing and said nothing out of the way, and willseverely punish any of my soldiers who should say or do anything wrong."

  "That sojer insulted me," said she, pointing to the retreating form ofGeneral Whittlesey. "He axed me for a drink of water and when I donegive it to him he sassed me."

  "But--but that is General Whittlesey, of my staff. I am sure he wouldn'tbe rude to any woman."

  "Maw," said the girl, pulling her mother's dress, "I reckon he moughtn'thave meant anything misbeholden."

  "Hush; don't I know low-down blackguard talk when I hears it? He askedme 'what was the State of my nativity?'"

  --_Washington Post._

  "I climb to rest," sings Lucy Larwin in a recent poem. So do we, Lucy.Our sleeping apartment is on the first floor from the roof.

  --_Light._

  SOFTLEIGH--What is the matter with your nose?

  SARDONICUS--That is a berth mark.

  SOFTLEIGH--I don't remember ever seeing it before.

  SARDONICUS--No: I just got it last night coming down from Minneapolis. Ihad an upper berth in the Pullman, and the train had a collision inWisconsin.

  --_Chicago Liar._

  It often happens that when a young man is disappointed in life hecommits suicide. When he is disappointed in marriage he either "grinsand bears it," or gets a divorce.

  --_Norristown Herald._

  MR. BOWSER ON DECK ONCE MORE.

  He Delivers a Lecture Upon the Carelessness of Women.

  In returning from a trip down town the other week I left my shopping bagin the car, and when I mentioned the fact to Mr. Bowser and asked him tocall at the street railway office and get it, he replied:

  "No, ma'am, I won't! Anybody careless enough to leave an article ofvalue in a street car deserves to lose it. Besides, you did not take thenumber of the car, and they would only laugh at me at the office."

  "Do you take the number of every street car you ride in?" I asked.

  "Certainly. Every sensible person does. Day before yesterday I came upin No. 70. I went back in No. 44. I came up to supper in No. 66.Yesterday I made my trips in Nos. 55, 61 and 38. To-day in Nos. 83, 77and 15. The street railways contract to carry passengers--not to act asguardians for children and imbeciles."

  "Mr. Bowser, other people have lost things on the street car."

  "Yes--other women. You never heard of a man losing anything."

  I let the matter drop there, knowing that time would sooner or laterbring my revenge. It came sooner than I expected. Mr. Bowser took hisdress coat down to a tailor to get a couple of new buttons sewed on, andas he returned without it, I observed:

  "You are always finding fault with the procrastination of my dressmaker.Your tailor doesn't seem to be in any particular hurry."

  "How?"

  "Why, you were to bring that coat back with you."

  "That coat! Thunder!"

  Mr. Bowser turned pale and sprang out of his chair.

  "Didn't lose it going down, did you?"

  "I--I believe I--I----!"

  "You left it on the street car when you come up?"

  "Yes."

  "Mr. Bowser, anybody careless enough to leave an article of value in astreet car deserves to lose it. However, you took the number of the car,I presume?"

  "N--no!"

  "You didn't! That shows what sort of a person you are. Yesterday when Iwent down after baby's shoes I took car No. 111. When I returned I tookcar 86. When I went over to mother's I took car 56. The conductor hadred hair. One horse was brown and the other black. The driver had a castin his left eye. There were four women and five men in the car. Wepassed two loads of ashes, one of dirt and an ice cream wagon. Theconductor wore No. 8 shoes, and was nearsighted. The street railwayscontract to carry passengers, Mr. Bowser, not to act as guardians forsap heads and children."

  "But I'll get it at the office to-morrow," he slowly replied.

  "Perhaps, but it is doubtful. As you can't remember the number of thecar they will laugh at the idea, and perhaps take you for an impostor."

  He glared at me like a caged animal, and made no reply, and I confessthat I almost hoped he would never recover the coat. He did, however,after a couple of days, and as he brought it home he looked at me withgreat importance and said:

  "There is the difference, Mrs. Bowser. Had you lost anything on the carit would have been lost forever. The street car people were even sendingout messengers to find me and restore my property."

  One day a laboring man called at the side door and asked for the loan ofa spade for a few minutes, saying that he was at work near by; and hewas so respectful that I hastened to accommodate him. Two days later Mr.Bowser, who was working in the back yard, wanted the spade, and I had totell him that I lent it. As it was not to be found the natural inferencewas that the borrower had not returned it.

  "This is a pretty state of affairs!" exclaimed Mr. Bowser when he hadgiven up the search. "The longer some folks live the less they seem toknow."

  "But he looked honest."

  "What of it? You had no business to lend that spade."

  "I was sure he'd return it."

  "Well, he didn't, and anybody of sense would have known he wouldn't. Ifsomebody should come here and ask for the piano, I suppose you'd let itgo. Mrs. Bowser, you'll never get over your countrified ways if you liveto be as old as the hills. It isn't the loss of the spade so much, butit is the fact that the man thinks you are so green."

  In t
he course of an hour I found the spade at the side steps, where theman had left it after using, but when I informed Mr. Bowser of the facthe only growled:

  "He brought it back because he probably heard me making a fuss about itand was afraid of arrest."

  Two days later, as Mr. Bowser sat on the front steps, a colored man cameup and asked to borrow the lawn mower for a few minutes for use on thenext corner.

  "Certainly, my boy," replied Mr. Bowser; "you'll find it in the backyard."

  When he had gone I observed that the man had a suspicious look about himand that I should not dare trust him, and Mr. Bowser turned on me with:

  "What do you